Tuesday, October 11, 2016


THE TEAM can exit D League.  That one win was certainly scrumptious but after it was back to business as usual.

If you peel back all those errors you will find more errors.  If Eskimos have 50 words for snow, then THE TEAM must have 51 words for error.

Of course it wasn't all bad.  This blog is supposed to be constructive and zany so let's look forward to E League and keeping dream of a fourth championship alive.

Here are the leaders for the First Round

Batting Avg. Gentlemen

.917 Victor
.867 Jimmy
.867 Peter

Batting Avg. Ladies

.538 Kelly
.385 Lauren
.333 Aerial
.333 Daniyel

RBIs Gentlemen

16 Victor
 7 Peter
 6 Jimmy

RBIs Ladies

3 Natasha
3 Aerial
3 Melody
3 Dora


4 Lou
3 Peter
3 Jimmy
2 Kelly
2 Aerial
2 Victor
1 Daniyel


2 Victor

Home Runs

3 Victor
1 Lou
1 Jimmy

Overall THE TEAM hit .537 scoring 54 runs 10 Walks and 6 Strikeouts.  THE TEAM really is better than the 1-4 record.  The average score was 15.4 to 10.8 so it was competitive.  The move down to E League should be fun.


Monday, September 19, 2016

Game 1 - Everybody + D League

The first order of business is the Fall 2016 Roster.  Let's get that read into the record.

3   Lou
5   Kelly
6   Rick
7   Natasha
8   Aerial
12 Daniyel
22 Dave
23 Melody
24 Peter
25 Dora
27 Victor
30 Lauren
33 Jimmy

That is a deadly group of athletes.

D League has been about as much fun as trying to figure out how many hours John Hinckley must have masturbated to Jodie Foster before taking a shot a Reagan started to make sense.  THE TEAM had gone 1-9 and that one win was a forfeit.

No fun

THE TEAM was below average on offense hitting .520 and scoring 10 runs.  (THE TEAM average in the modern era is .578 and 13.5 runs).  There was only 1 strikeout so that's good.  Victor had 2 Triples and 3 RBIs so that's good too.

One of the things that seems to be part of playing in D League is that the errors are expensive.  Those extra base runners always come in to score.  

THE TEAM defense was great so nothing was given away and offense made sure The Madbatters paid for their errors.  It's nice to be on the other side of that.

THE TEAM was chasing one with time running out when Melody drove in the tying run and Lauren drove in the winning run.

THE TEAM finally won a D League game.

Yes fun

It was a great start to the hunt for a 4th championship


Sunday, August 7, 2016

THE TEAM - Summer 2016

Have you heard of the theory of parallel universes?  It's a wild idea that speaks to how huge outer space is.  It sounds like some metaphysical alley where you go and correct all the horseshit mistakes of your rotten life but no.  Bad news.  That's not it at all.  The idea is that universe is so huge and unknown that everything you can imagine is happening out there somewhere.  The idea is that somewhere there is a sun that just happens to be exactly like ours and it just happens to have 9 planets (They have decided that Pluto is still qualifies).  Everything on this other earth is exactly the same except they never changed their tune on Pluto.  That's one example.

It's an insane idea but a compelling way to wrap your mind around how vast the cosmos are.  It's also compelling because it is impossible to disprove.

You cannot prove that there is not a duplicate earth out there revolving around a duplicate sun and everything the happened in the Summer 2016 season happened exactly the same way except that Peter had a mustache.

Hopefully there is a parallel Burbank out there where THE TEAM had a winning season and everybody stayed healthy and had all the fun the universe has to offer.

There should also be a parallel universe where Dora leaves THE TEAM to go on tour with the reunited Guns 'N' Roses because somebody was going to have to take Izzy's place.  Rock on Dora!


Overall it was kind of a turd of a season.  THE TEAM did make the playoffs but clanked out of that by hitting .357 and only scoring 5 runs.  But enough gloom and doom.  The Fall Season will be here before you know it.  Summer is not over but the Summer season is.

Here is what you did:

3 Lou led THE TEAM in everything.  He played in 10 games hitting .868 and set the record with 35 RBIs.  He also had 8 Doubles, 3 Triples and 7 Home Runs.  He only had one Walk so that is the one spot where he didn't lead THE TEAM but he made up for it by helping the umpires see which pitches were hittable.

5 Kelly played in 10 games.  She hit .410 with 3 RBIs and a Double.  She had to move from second base to first base and did a great job there.

7 Natasha played in 8 games before her jerk of a doctor told her not to play.  She led the ladies hitting .571 and had 14 RBIs.  She also had a Double and hit the second Home Run of her career.  It would be sloppy to not mention how valuable her pitching is to THE TEAM.

12 Daniyel played in 7 games.  She hit .308 with an RBI.  She had 7 Walks giving her an OBP of .550.  Good job Daniyel

18 Rick 1 game .500 1 RBI 1 Double lots of moping

22 Dave played in 4 games.  He hit .417 with 2 RBIs and a Double.  He has always been a valuable pitcher and THE TEAM needed him more than ever once the wheels came off of Natasha

23 Melody played in 9 games.  She hit .500 with 8 RBIs and a Double.  Melody had a rough Winter Season so it's nice to see her playing like Melody again.

24 Peter played in 10 games.  He hit .794 with 22 RBIs, 6 Doubles, a Triple and 2 Home Runs.  He was a Gold Glove at Third Base and the most trusted man in Burbank now that Garry Marshall is out of the way.

25 Dora played in 10 games.  She hit .433 with 4 RBIs and 2 Doubles.  She keeps getting better at getting foul tips and showed everybody she can play second base too.

27 Victor played in 8 games.  He hit .600 with 17 RBIs, 4 Doubles, 2 Triples and 2 Home Runs.  He covered it all in Left Field and hit the ball farther than anybody anywhere.

33 Jimmy played in 10 games.  He hit .625 with 8 RBIs, 3 Doubles and a Triple.  He played everywhere.  Jimmy can do it all.

38 Kara only played in 1 game.  She hit .000.  She was nice though.  I hope she had $49 worth of fun.

57 Rosemary played in 6 games.  She hit .176 with an RBI.  Rosemary was way too hard on herself.  I hope she had $49 worth of fun too.

Subs really helped out too.

8 Aerial was back for 2 games and hit .500 with an RBI

19 Doug helped out for the Doubleheader and went 5 for 5 getting the 200th hit of his career.

21 TK played in 7 games hitting .350 with 7 RBIs.

Good job!  Thanks for your help.

Overall THE TEAM hit .556 with 28 Doubles, 7 Triples, 22 Walks and 15 Strikeouts.  THE TEAM also hit 12 Home Runs giving them 200 in the Modern Era.  Check this out:  Of the 200 Home Runs hit by THE TEAM, 150 of them have been by either Lou or Peter.  Where would THE TEAM be without them?

Lucky for this slice of the universe they are back for the Fall Season which will be here soon enough.


Saturday, July 16, 2016

THE TEAM - D is for Disaster

THE TEAM is barely getting in anybody's way.  This D League thing sucks.  OK this blog is supposed to be fun and constructive so here is a ray of damned sunshine:  In the three D League games that have been played THE TEAM has scored 4 runs, then 6 runs and then 10 runs.  That could be considered encouraging.  Alright they are were two 11 run losses and a 6 run loss so it's not exactly Dodgers vs Giants or Yankees vs Red Sox or Freud vs Jung.  It's been more like saw horse road block vs Burt Reynolds Trans Am.

There's Burt Reynolds again

D League Sucks!

There was that one game where Dora played second base.  That was pretty exciting.  Dora has played 85% of her innings at catcher so it was a thrill to her pressed into service and play so well.  It's also a thrill because now there is a tiny insignificant slice on the internet that has Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Burt Reynolds and Dora all in the same place and on equal footing.  Let's throw Malcolm Gladwell, Kurt Vonnegut and Jimmy Crockett on there too because outside of pornography that's pretty much what the internet is for right?

Thank you Al Gore

Oh let's not forget Sunday Coed Softball.  Right?  What were we talking about?


Monday, June 20, 2016

The First Round - Summer 2016

THE TEAM went 4-1 and made the playoffs.  The one loss was a tight 6-4 loss to the number one seed so there is plenty to feel good about.  That's nice but that means THE TEAM is headed back up to D-League.  George Jefferson is not shake shake shaking his booty this time.

Let's look at the Round One leaders:

Batting Average Gentlemen

.905 -  Lou
.824 -  Peter
.667 -  Dave

Batting Average Ladies

.684 -  Natasha
.526 -  Kelly
.500 -  Dora

RBIs Gentlemen

24 -  Lou
14 - Peter
 9 - Victor

RBIs Ladies

13 - Natasha
 5 - Melody
 1 - Kelly
 1 - Dora
 1 - Rosemary


5 - Lou
3 - Peter
3 - Victor
3 - Jimmy
1 - Natasha
1 - Dave
1 - Rick
1 - Dora


2 - Lou
1 - Peter

Home Runs

6 - Lou
2 - Peter
1 - Victor
1 - Natasha

Victor's Home Run was a Grand Slam and Lou set a record hitting 4 Home Runs in one game.  (That had to be in here somewhere.)

Overall THE TEAM hit .584 with 18 Doubles, 3 Triples, 10 Home Runs, 19 Walks and 11 Strikeouts. THE TEAM had a +29 run differential.

That should be good enough for a couple of D League wins.



Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Game 2 - The Good The Bad etc.

THE TEAM has never been 2-0 and with a Run Differential of +2.  That's two games and two walk-off wins.

The game against Comic Relief started off with some petty horseshit about which team gets which dugout.
I beg your pardon.  What is wrong with you?
That team is made up of mostly The Good.  It only takes one Bad and one Ugly to make things a little less fun.
I know right?  What's her fucking problem?
In the end it didn't matter.  Comic Relief scored 3 to tie it in the top of the 6th, then Natasha smoked one past their shortstop to drive Kelly in for the winning run.  Winning is always nice but there it is a little more tangy when players from the other team are acting like dicks and not having fun.
They seemed OK to me.
When THE TEAM is playing well together E League has no chance.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Summer 2016 - Game 1

The Summer Season is here.  Let's start off by looking at the roster

 3 Lou
 5 Kelly
 7 Natasha
12 Daniyel
18 Rick
22 Dave
23 Melody
24 Peter
25 Dora
27 Victor
33 Jimmy
38 Kara
57 Rosemary

Very nice.

Now let's continue by looking at Burt Reynolds.

There he is.

The first game was yet another nail biter with Pitches Be Crazy.  THE TEAM is pretty evenly matched against them.  It almost feels like luck that they haven't pulled one out yet.  

THE TEAM looked good though.  There was a rough start and and an 8 run hole to dig out.  THE TEAM needed all 7 innings to get it done but Natasha drove in a run to tie it and Lou drove in Natasha to win it.  There were no Strikeouts in the game so that's also something that should keep Burt Reynolds smiling.  

It's a solid start to another great season.


Sunday, April 10, 2016

THE TEAM - Winter 2016

That season took forever.  That D League deal was a big giant kick in the trousers.  There was no blog because who wants to read about how THE TEAM screwed the pooch.  For the first round THE TEAM scored 65 runs hitting .568 with 17 Doubles, 3 Triples, 9 Home Runs and 4 Strikeouts.  In the second round THE TEAM scored 19 runs hitting .450 with 7 Doubles, 3 Triples, 2 Home Runs and 9 Strikeouts.


That first game D League started out full of promise with Lou and Peter hitting Home Runs.   THE TEAM was playing somebody new.  They said they had been around but got rid of the assholes.  That means THE TEAM was playing the non-asshole version of this squad.  I can't imagine who they got rid of if these were the fun people left.  This tule elk ( or maybe we should say tool elk) was trying tell me to tell the pitchers where to pitch so they wouldn't get killed by their weapons grade hits.

No fun

Here is a very dry presentation showing what you did:

3 Lou played in 7 games hitting .762 with 9 RBIs, 3 Doubles, 2 Triples, a Walk and 4 Home Runs.

5 Kelly played in 7 games hitting .650 with 2 RBIs, 1 Double, 1Triple, and 3 Walks.

7 Natasha played in 7 games hitting .474 with 7 RBIs, and a Walks

12 Daniyel played in 8 games hitting .267 with 2 RBIs and 4 Walks

15 Rosemary played in 7 games hitting .313 with 5 RBIs and 2 Walks

22 Dave played in 8 games hitting .381 with 3 RBIs, 3 Doubles, a Triple and a Walk

23 Melody played in 9 games hitting .227 with RBIs, a Double and 3 Walks

24 Peter played in 9 games hitting .750 with 13 RBIs, 5 Doubles, 2 Triples and 2 Home Runs

25 Dora played in 9 games hitting .375 with  3 RBIs and a Double

27 Victor played in 7 games hitting .609 with 14 RBIs, 4 Doubles, 4 Home Runs and a Walk.

38 Shelly played in 2 games hitting .500 with an RBI and a Walk.

33 Jimmy got it all figured out this season leading THE TEAM hitting .778.  He led THE TEAM with 17 RBIs.  He had 4 Doubles and 2 Home Runs.  Those categories have always been led by Lou or Peter with a Victor throw in there in the Modern Era.

Check it out:

Fall 2011 Lou .882 Peter 31
Winter 2012 Lou .811 Peter 32
Summer 2012 Lou .900 Lou 28
Fall 2012 Lou .846 Lou 30
Winter 2013 Lou .889 Peter 30
Summer 2013 Lou .824 Lou 24
Fall 2013 Lou .789 Lou 28
Winter 2014 Peter .743 Peter 23
Summer 2014 Lou .800 Peter 19
Fall 2014 Peter .778 Lou 27
Winter 2015 Lou .882 Lou 30
Summer 2015 Lou .839 Peter 22
Fall 2015  Lou .788 Victor 25
Winter 2016 Jimmy .778 Jimmy 17


THE TEAM honked out of the playoffs but it was a good game.  THE TEAM never led but THE TEAM played hard to get it into extra innings.  Despite Natasha going 4 for 4 with 2 Doubles and an RBI and Home Runs by Lou Peter and Jimmy, THE TEAM came up short 12-14.

Summer Season starts in 5 minutes

Check your email


Monday, February 22, 2016

Game 5 - Movin' On Up

THE TEAM finished the first round 4-1 so the playoff spot is secure and it is time to move up to D League.
George Jefferson Dance
Movin' on up, to the D League
It is strongly recommended that you listen to American Patrol by Glenn Miller while watching this gif of Sherman Hemsley.

It is almost as jolly as being on THE TEAM.

Tiger Blood made a game out of it but everybody was contributing so it was never really close.  Let's leap right into the leaders after the first round:

Batting Avg Gentlemen

Peter .824
Jimmy .813
Lou .750

Batting Avg Ladies

Kelly .688
Natasha .667
Dora .500

RBIs Gentlemen

Jimmy 13
Victor 12
Peter 11

RBIs Ladies

Natasha 5
Rosemary 3
Dora 3


Peter 5
Victor 3
Jimmy 3
Dave 2
Lou 1
Kelly 1
Melody 1
Dora 1


Peter 2
Kelly 1

Home Runs

Victor 4
Lou 2
Jimmy 2
Peter 1

Dora collected her 200th career hit on a shot up the third base line.  I don't remember the hit specifically, we can all just assume that's where it went.  Good job Dora.  That's a lot of hits.

THE TEAM can clearly handle D League


Monday, January 25, 2016

Game 2 - Sure

There was no blog post for Game 2.  Why?  Well much like the fan theory that the Alex Cross character from all those James Patterson novels is actually an adult Holden Caulfield...  yeah nobody says that.  There was no blog because there was no blog.

Sexual Chocolate!!!
The games with Hot Sunday suck.  They seem like a nice group of people.  They seem to have fun and take losing well but those cry for help at bats are so frustrating.  The first inning was lots of walks and some hits and a five run hole for THE TEAM to dig out of.  After that Dave came in he brought the cheese.  There aren't stats kept for strikeouts but he was in the neighborhood of 4 or 5. The game went seven so that means in 6 innings Hot Sunday only scored 3 more runs.

Even though THE TEAM didn't need it with the strong pitching and snug defense, Jimmy went 4 for 4  with a Home Run and 4 RBIs.  Victor went 3 for 4 with 2 Home Runs and 4 RBIs.  Lou went 2 for 3 with a Walk, 6 RBIs and 2 Home Runs including a Grand Slam.  Jessica helped out and she was awesome.  I am not sure what she is filling her Sundays with because it is keeping her from joining THE TEAM as a regular player.  It can't be that important.  Can it?

Those were the tangy results from a Game 2 18 -8 win.

The Doubleheaders are always skimmed over in this document.  Natasha returned and made a splash right away going 3 for 3 with 4 RBIs against Pitches Be Crazy.  All of those nightmares about her showing up with some kind of Jason Pierre Paul claw can be put to rest.  THE TEAM came from behind to go up 13-11 and then got a 1-2-3 inning to chalk that one up.

That was it for the chalk.  There were no hits left and for the first time in the modern era THE TEAM was on the business end of the dreaded mercy rule.  Daniyel only got one at-bat in that game.  That's fast things got bleak in that one.

Let's rinse that out and spit


Monday, January 11, 2016

Game 1 - 2016

Let's start things off with a look at the Roster:

 3 Lou
 5 Kelly
 7 Natasha
12 Daniyel
15 Rosemary
18 Rick
22 Dave
23 Melody
24 Peter
25 Dora
27 Victor
33 Jimmy
38 Shelly

There's a dangerous bunch.  How dangerous?  Just ask I'd Hit That.

THE TEAM started the season pretty sharp in a 16-6 win.  Dave was plopping in the strikes and Victor was hitting bombs that were probably making the tourists at Universal Studios look away from the Waterworld Show.  Peter hit another Home Run but if you ask I'd Hit That, they would probably say they got... J-Boned!!!

Alright nobody would say that but the point is that Jimmy went 4 for 4 with 5 RBIs and hit his first Home Run as a member of THE TEAM.  He also did a great job playing Shortstop.  Nice going Jimmy.

Hey Melody finally played in her 100th game of the Modern Era.  She hit .429 with 72 RBIs, 16 Doubles, 3 Triples and, get this, 111 Walks.  That's not a typo.  That's 111.

THE TEAM is looking ready for some E League and ready to defend the title.